Coping with Toxic People

The first solution, empathy, relies upon the principle of “kill them with kindness.” I find that you can definitely overdo the empathy, allowing it to cross into pity rather seamlessly. In a way, I sometimes feel pity for the person who is so dark and damaged that they can’t see any light whatsoever. Therefore, I will sometimes choose to be “the bigger person,” and let them do their thing and comment on how hard it must be. The teacher in me hopes that by using empathy with others, I’m also teaching them the appropriate way to respond to other people’s stress and trauma (repetition, repetition, repetition).

Thinking through a game plan is incredibly important when you’re going to a big get-together. Generally speaking, your whole family isn’t going to be toxic; rather, just a choice few will force you into a frenzied panic whenever you think about engaging in small talk or, god forbid, politics. In this case, I find that it’s best for me to work through various scenarios before I even get into my car. Most therapists would probably disagree with me and say that I’m letting my anxiety control me, or that I’m creating problems before they even exist, but I disagree. 

For example, my oldest child recently came out as gender fluid, changed their name, their pronouns and their preferred bathroom at school. I am incredibly proud of my child for innumerable reasons, but their change has created a shift in my extended family dynamic. I had no idea how any of my family members would respond to the new change and I had a heavy load of anxiety weighing down on me. I figured that I’d just slowly talk to people on a “need-to-know” basis and go from there. Well, my grandma died in September and before I knew it, I was driving to a rural town in Minnesota with my family, not knowing what to expect. Before I got there (it was a five hour drive), I created a narrative in my head. There were going to be so many family members we hadn’t seen in a really long time, so I had a chance to introduce my kids to everyone on an individual basis. I still can’t believe how easy it was. I mean, I didn’t really go into pronouns or gender identity, but I let each family member know that they could ask any questions if they felt the need. With each interaction, I would say something like, “K and M, you remember Aunt so-and-so, right? Aunt so-and-so, this is K and M.” In hindsight, I think that I just needed to put on my teacher identity and emotionally distance myself from the situation a bit. I won’t lie and say that everything was rainbows and unicorns; I definitely have family members who aren’t very open-minded in their world views. Overall, though, it went better than expected and I believe it’s because I had a ready-made narrative in my metaphorical back pocket.

This segues well into my next point, which is that you shouldn’t expect someone to change. Most people don’t like change and harbor a lot of fear and doubt about the world, so when confronted with something they don’t understand, they will often react inappropriately. In other words, if you know that Uncle Jimmy is super conservative and you’ve recently “come out,” expect him to be like the Uncle Jimmy you’ve always known. He could surprise you, but avoid setting yourself up for failure by expecting him to completely change his world view in an instant. If you meet people where they are and expect them to act like themselves, both parties will leave the interaction on a more positive note.

In order to be your most resourced self at a family gathering, make sure that you are practicing self care and self love every day. If you show up to an event after fighting the flu, not sleeping well or working an overnight, you are much more apt to have hyper-reactive emotions. This doesn’t mean that you should hold in your tears or your authentic emotions, but that you should try to have the best version of yourself show up. Granted, you can’t predict a sleepless night (which might be because of your anxiety about the event) or a sick child, and sometimes you just have to roll with it. In this case, be extra gentle with yourself by minimizing contact with caustic relatives, keeping conversations simple or brief and honestly stating your current situation (I’m exhausted; I am getting over the flu; etc). It’s not realistic to think that you can completely avoid toxicity in all its myriad forms, but if you find yourself constantly dreading particular conversations with specific people, you have the power to cut them out of your life. You can avoid their phone calls, mute their text messages, unfriend them on Facebook, or whatever feels right for you. 

When confronted with negative people, relatives in particular, remain honest and authentic with yourself and your family. It’s so easy to morph back into the terrified eight-year-old, shoving sugar or booze into your mouth to cope. If you’ve made changes in your life and you’ve changed for the better, own it! Don’t be afraid to give your honest opinion and perspective in an uncomfortable moment or heated debate. If you feel like the conversation is going downhill, or if you feel fire-hot negativity start to take over, take a step back. You do not need to keep yourself in a conversation that makes you uncomfortable. This would be a good time to run to the bathroom and take some deep belly breaths, or get some fresh air, allowing you some room to process the experience. When you return to the conversation, you will be calmer, more relaxed and a more resourced version of yourself. Remember that you are an adult, your feelings are valid, and even if some of the people in the room don’t understand you, you have other people in your community who love you unconditionally. You’ve got this.